My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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