I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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