I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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