I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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