When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
