I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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