highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
