How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
