So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
