If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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