mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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