she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
