so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Randomize
