Swine flu. Run for my life!
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
