I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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