apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Randomize
