it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize