when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
