What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
