Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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