I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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