So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
