It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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