I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
