Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
