Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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