Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
So squirting runs in the family.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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