I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
