i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
