she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
