it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
