The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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