Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
