I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
