genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
