Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
