weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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