dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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