My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
