So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
