Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
