how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
