I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize
