i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
