i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
