And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
