I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I have fence marks all over my body
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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