Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
