I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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