This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
