I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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