My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
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