what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
