I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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