I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
