I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
