So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
