What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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