i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
