$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
