I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
dude. I can hear the air.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
