I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
