I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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