You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
