Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
