My cat gives me a boner
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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